Interpreting voice mail and other subliminal messages: Professional advice on deciphering autonomous messages received from leading Canadian Banks.
We’d like to extend a special ‘thank you’ to the ‘CIBW’ (Canadian Imperialist Bank of Waiting) and the ‘RSC’ (Royal Shank of Canada), two internationally recognized superstars of elitist slap-downs and impromptu suffocation of public inquiries, for supplying the experiences referenced for this post.
Canada is proud of these model banks, which not only excel in replacing lengthy in-bank visits with web visits by subjecting clients to limitless periods of waiting in line, but also qualify for Olympic Gold for their abusive telephone voice mail recorded mockeries, including the classics:
“Due to heavy call volumes all of our operators are busy assisting other callers.”
Interpretation: While our profits are increasing by billions each quarter, we can’t afford to pay someone the minimum wage to answer our telephone. F* the hell off and figure the problem out for yourself on our free web page that we’ve setup to keep you from costing us money. And book a meeting at the same time with our loans officer that will help you go into deeper debt.
“Your call is important to us, please stay on the line and your call will be answered sooner that dialing again.”
Interpretation: “If you are stupid enough to wait through this eternal time period listening to our brainwashing/advertising repeat dozens of times you will have learned your lesson to go to our f*ing web page and figure it out for yourself.”
“Your call will be recorded for training and quality control purposes.”
Interpretation: “We’ll record your profanities and capture your voice print so we can legally protect ourselves from future lawsuits and prove how profane you are. We don’t train people to provide service, we train people to tell you how excellent the service is that we don’t provide.”
“You are caller number 634. Your call will be answered in approximately 41 hours and 12 minutes. If you would like to leave a message please press ‘1’ on your keypad.”
Interpretation: “You can leave your phone number if it makes you feel better, however you have no viable option but to give up and go to the free web page and figure it out for yourself. That should be a lesson never to try to call us again. We don’t want to talk to you. We just want your money.”
Global interpretation: “Either interface with us digitally where it costs us next to nothing, or kindly F*off. If you have a problem, then F* off. We don’t have pens or desks in our banks because you shouldn’t be in the bank, you should F* off home and use your computer to connect to our website. Figure it F*ing out for yourself and don’t bother the bank.”
Brainwashing You That We Are Serving You is our Highest Priority…