To: Valued Citizens
From: Mayor and Council
Re: Targeted Hits in Your Subdivision
The Mayor and Council would like to extend their condolences to the families of all who have lost loved ones in the wake of the recent attacks. Our sympathies and and prayers are with you at this time of grief. Council, however, would like to reiterate that these hits are targeted, and unless you are involved in criminal activity or bylaw infractions you can have full confidence that you are in no immediate danger.
In fact, statistics compiled by the city indicate that neighborhoods that have experienced targeted hits in the past year not only show greater economic and housing growth, but residents regularly report increased overall satisfaction with life and confidence in the justice system. Statistically, citizen longevity increases after each targeted hit due to the reduction in both older criminals and police shootings of residents which tend to take out the elderly and incapacitated.
Citizens who are concerned about residential shootings are encouraged to video-tape known criminal activity and be prepared to testify in court. In the event of an incident in your neighborhood the city recommends taking these actions:
- Shelter-in-place and turn on your local community TV station for news
- Do not tie up the phone lines calling 911
- If you are struck by a bullet, kindly note who fired it and if possible sketch the shooter on a notepad for use in court
- On the arrival of police, prostrate yourself on the ground immediately and do not move until instructed. Police arriving on scene will be panicky, agitated, confused, nervous, poorly trained, anxious to impress superiors, claustrophobically over-dressed and will generally shoot at anything that moves. Remember that police friendly-fire incidents now take more citizen lives than car accidents and cancer deaths combined.
While shootings in your neighborhood may initially arouse negative emotions in uninformed persons, research has shown that targeting hits release community stress which, left unchecked, can cause result in larger fractures. Under-reported in the past, United Nations Mosaic research confirms that targeted hits are normal and natural events. Typical targeted hits are surgical in their precision, and results in a higher ratio of law-abiding citizens. That’s why smart communities not only welcome a reasonable level of targeted hits, they encourage them. If you are not doing anything wrong, you have nothing to be concerned about. Concerned citizens should shelter-in-place and mind their own business.
We trust that this communication from council has helped to alleviate your concerns and promote the understanding of common community values. We welcome your suggestions for a more prosperous, peaceful, and loving community. Please input your suggestion online at the City website using form 36435-B16 with proof of identity. The City reserves the right to record any communications for training, quality assurance, and other selective purposes. If you do not wish to be recorded discontinue your communications immediately.