Here’s a central technique in Marshall Rosenberg’s ‘Non Violent Communication’.
Underneath our anger, judgements, strategies, opinions, evaluations, and blame of others is our needs. All people have the same basic needs, for security, safety, happiness, protection, fulfillment, autonomy, peace, meaning, connection, etc. If we can recognize and connect with these universal needs that are consistent in all of us, we have a better chance of connecting and getting what each person wants.
If we can see beyond the anger, blame, and judgements to the needs, new and often unexpected strategies of dealing with the situation may appear. Even if they don’t, being more conscious of the needs of ourselves and others can bring out more compassion in both.
When we are being attacked by others the natural inclination is to be defensive and attack in return. This quickly escalates. Consider an alternative approach. Instead of seeing the attack coming from the other, look beyond it to the feelings and needs behind it. Don’t allow yourself to become hooked into the storyline…look beyond it to what is empowering it.
When we or others use judgmental language we are more likely to disconnect, and to fail to identify and be able to resolve our underlying needs which we may not be conscious of (“I’m just damn angry! I don’t know why…”).
Needs might be obvious… but often they are not. If you don’t know what the underlying issue is, you can help the other person to identify it in themselves and better express it by asking questions in the format of: ‘are you feeling _________ because you have a need for _________?’.
Yes, this sounds a bit awkward, and you need to put it in your own words. And if the other person is holding a Colt .45 to your head, you may want to be even more careful with the words. But the method remains the same…if we can translate our own and other people needs that are behind the anger and judgements being hurled at us, we have a much better chance of resolving the issue permanently by meeting those needs. Even if we can’t, or are not willing at the time, there’s a much better chance that we create a starting place for compassion and understanding between us.
Seeing and translating anger and judgements is a great challenge… especially in the passion of the moment… but it offers the possibility of making breakthroughs that create a much deeper sense of connection and purpose with the other person. And that, in the end, is what life is all about. Here’s a simple graphic example.
Don’t hear the words or the story. Hear the needs behind it.
AngerNeeds