compassionate communication

Here’s a central technique in Marshall Rosenberg’s ‘Non Violent Communication’. Underneath our anger, judgements, strategies, opinions, evaluations, and blame of others is our needs. All people have the same basic needs, for security, safety, happiness, protection, fulfillment, autonomy, peace, meaning, connection, etc. If we can recognize and connect with these universal needs that are consistent in all of us, we have a better chance of connecting and getting what each person wants. If we can see beyond the anger, blame, and judgements to the needs, new and often unexpected strategies of dealing with the situation may appear. Even if they don’t, being more conscious of the needs of ourselves and others can bring out more compassion in both. When we are being attacked by others the natural inclination is to be defensive and attack in return. This quickly escalates. Consider an alternative approach. Instead of seeing the attack coming from the other, look beyond it to the feelings and needs behind it. Don’t allow yourself to become hooked into the storyline…look beyond it to what is empowering it. When we or others use judgmental language we are more likely to disconnect, and to fail to identify and be able to resolve our underlying needs which we may not be conscious of (“I’m just damn angry! I don’t know why…”). Needs might be obvious… but often they are not. If you don’t know what the underlying issue is, you can help the other person to identify it in themselves and better […]